Semi dirty joke time!!

eastfire510

Here is an email that i got today and i thought it was really good.

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy ... it's pretty darn smart.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b@*%^ knows I'm smarter than her

Laughing

dynastar666

Pure genius.

hitman38367

That is...is...AWESOME!!!! I have GOT to remember this!!!

usdemt

That. . . . Is. . . . . . .. . .AWESOME! Ha

Rofocowboy84

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky parted above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

Mike F

A guy and a his wife are getting ready to start their day one morning. The wife gets out of the shower and her husband hops into the shower right after her. Before she can get dressed, the doorbell rings. She wraps a towel around her and goes to see who is at the door. At the door, is their neighbor, Bob.

Bob looks her up and down and says, "I'll give you $800 if you drop your towel."

The wife thinks, "Wow, $800 will be good shopping money and my husband will never know!"

So she drops the towel, collects her $800 and heads back to get dressed.

Her husband, hearing the doorbell, pops his head out of the bathroom and asks who was at the door.

The wife says, "It was just our neighbor, Bob."

The husband says, "Oh yeah? Did he bring over that $800 he owed me?"

gumby223

toubis

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotists' fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'S*!T!' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

unbombero18

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Tabby the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

DaveCN5

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, This
guy is an escaped convict.

Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't
seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates
you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks
you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."

hitman38367

HAHAHA!! ROTFLMAO!! That's a good one!!!

dustymedic

gumby223

QualityLights

You guys have some expensive neighbors. Laughing

Elliott

A patient shows up at his psychiatrist office, wearing nothing but clear cling wrap around his body. The doctor takes one look and says, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

Did you hear who quit smoking?............ David Koresh

Did you hear Terry Schaivo was baptized before they pulled the plug?
It was a VEGGIE DIP.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have b*lls to scratch!

Redneck Pickup lines

1)Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8 ) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Rofocowboy84

From the English guy in my medic class:

Q: What's the difference between lust, love, and showing off?

A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. Laughing

firecar96

Courtesy of my girlfriend:

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were a longside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car,looked up at me,and shouted,'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A monkey is sitting in a tree smokink a joint when a lizard comes by, looks up and says, "What you doin' up there, man?"

The monkey replies, "I'm smokin' a joint! You want some? Come on up!"

So the lizard climbs the tree, sits down next to the monkey and lights up. After a while, the lizard says he's thirsty and he's going down to the river to drink some water. When he gets there, he's so stoned he falls into the river. A passing alligator sees him and helps him back on shore.

The alligator asks, "What's up with you?"

The lizard tells him about sharing the joint with the monkey and how he was so stoned when he came to the river, he fell in.

The alligator says, "This I gotta see!" So he goes into the jungle, spots the monkey up the tree and hollers, "Hey, man!"

The monkey looks down and exclaims, "F***, dude! How much water did you drink?"

MEVS06

toubis

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local WalMart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants and large knives were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ' Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,

Tom Richards
Walmart Manager

QualityLights

That's good humor there! I will have some fun every now and then in either Wally World or the local K-Mart by picking up the phone and putting it on the overhead PA. I'll either say that the New York Lotto is now________ (insert you millions amount here) or just start calling the wife's name over the PA and say things like "Hon, don't forget to pick up your Vagisil". Needless to say, she gets a little pissed at me sometimes.

usdemt

Is it bad if I have done 9 of those things? I got that email when I was younger and we tried to do as many as we could.

eastfire510

usdemt

eastfire510

Station 3

These jokes are so freakin funny i sent the first one to my pshyco chick. Laughing

	eLightbars.org Forum -> The off-topic lounge	All times are GMT - 6 Hours Goto page 1, 2, 3 Next
Page 1 of 3